Time Out,One Time

Why a time out? Time to clear the air for a change. The blog is about politics,occasionally religion and once in a great while a story from the scientific community that gets my attention.I avoid the personal stuff for a host of reasons. For one, i want the focus to be Donald Trump and the 2020 election.

The other reasons are to defend conservatism and defeat  liberal ideology. I’m now a practicing Catholic so it makes sense to bring up that topic from time to time.I don’t want to beat people over the head with religion.I hope that when i do bring the topic up at all,it gives people something to think about at least.

Christianity played a large part in our country’s foundation and religion has always been  a part of the public square-protected under our Bill of Rights and Constitution.

Finally,it’s a matter of privacy both for myself and people i know who might not appreciate my going public. I keep the personal stuff out of here and if  I bring it up at all I try to protect the subject. I never give out any information that isn’t already public.

As of tonight i heard from someone i miss greatly and was surprised to hear from. Out of respect for him and not cause any grief i made a commitment not to contact him, as much as i was tempted a few times. I was so glad the person contacted me.

Oddly enough,my life seems to be on a trajectory for a major change right now. I can’t say as my relationship with my husband is going along swimmingly. I  didn’t mention it to the person that called. Partly because i didn’t want to burden him at this point and partly because i am not sure how this bump in our relationship is going to end.It’s plain rocky and frankly doesn’t look good.

All i can say,because i don’t really know. The ball is in his court more than mine.Evidently husband isn’t up to making the effort to work this out and I’m of no mind to make any effort anymore. I’ve had to do it too many times.

That said,it was so good to hear from the person on the phone call.I know it must have been awkward but it went well.

Relationships can be so tricky. There can be many different dynamics going on at one time. I was thinking about my parents tonight. God love em. They were good people and fantastic parents.I can’t say they were flawless but we all felt jealous of other people’s parents when we were kids,thinking someone else’s parents should have been ours.

There were times i felt like we were from 2 different planets when i was growing up and i bet dimes to dollars they thought the same thing. The truth is the people we were jealous of were probably jealous of someone else’s parents too. It’s how you think when you’re  a kid. I’m sure as much we thought we wanted to trade them in,they DEFINITELY felt that way about us.

One way to understand your own parents is to look at their parents. My dad grew up poor and had to quit school in the 8th grade. They didn’t know what it was to get anything for Christmas/ birthdays except some fruit if they were lucky. He was the smartest man i knew. Self taught and self sufficient. His dad had a hard life and a job no one would envy.

He would sometimes drink heavily & act out.While his parents were strict they were not very affectionate. Dad learned some good things out of the hard life he lived, including what NOT to do. I saw a soft spot in dad that i loved dearly and cherish so much to this day. He was the kind of man who would give anyone the shirt off his back even if it was the last shirt he owned.

Mom grew up a little better off than dad. People back then were not rich ,what we could call middle class, compared to the standard of living we have today.She was still better off than dad.

She had a more secure upbringing. She finished school. She and dad married when he came back from the war. They were married over 60 yrs. They survived the Great Depression,WWII and her battle with cancer.He had heart problems and in the end Parkinson’s. Their devout Catholic faith got them through.

They were strict with us kids,but they were floored with us when we hit adolescence. By the time  we were teens it was a whole different culture from the one they grew up in.  We didn’t seem to know each other anymore.

Now that i look back i have to admit they were right more often than not-i thought i  knew everything at the time. Finally,as a young adult out of high school for 3 yrs. i met a returning Marine from Vietnam. i can’t say i was in love. I can say i was really taken with him. It was party time for both of us. I was out of high school and he was out of the war.

He was in his late 20’s,early 30’s. We didn’t marry.I had a son. He went one way and i went the other . Infatuation works that way. Neither one of us had the maturity it would have taken to make a go of marriage. I was thrilled when my son was born. I was more ready to be a mother than to be a wife, but eventually  i took a few wrong turns i would regret later.

Those wrong turns were devastating for our home life. I think my parents did what they thought was helpful but some of the help-as well intended as it was-did more harm than good. This takes nothing away from them. They were good people who wanted to make the right decisions.

They were there for me when i needed them. They were there for my son when he needed them. If my parents and i had any hard feelings they were put to rest when they needed help themselves. Besides,looking back with better judgement than i had at the time, i could have made better decisions myself.

Now I miss them terribly.i can’t pick up the phone and call mom or go over to the place i called home for so long. I can’t hear dad’s booming voice anymore and boy, it could boom.It bothered some people. I took it in stride. That was just dad. He always meant well.

He never expected more from you than he did from himself but i think sometimes he expected too much of himself. If you gave him a chance though you’d get glimpses of  his very soft heart. I know now what mom saw in him all along.

When we were little he never had to spank us once. All mom had to say was ,wait till i tell your dad. We straightened right up. He put the fear of God in you with his voice alone.

He was one of the most generous and loving people i have ever known. People might find that hard to believe but a lot of  his toughness  was just exterior.

There was this time mom went out of town with a friend. Dad was home cleaning out the fireplace because mom loved a fire going when she got home. He had the shop vac upstairs and hooked the hose up on the wrong side.

The ashes went blowing everywhere. He called me on the phone and said mom was going to kill him(NOT REALLY PEOPLE,JUST AN EXPRESSION). He told me what happened.I ran over and helped him clean up. She never knew.

He was like that;wanting to do something thoughtful for mom to make her day. He would love to do little things for mom or us kids-there were times in their marriage he had to do the big things too.He wasn’t big on saying he loved you. He was very big on showing you he loved you.

The truth is that all of us are flawed people.We’re given the grace to do good things most of the time and fail miserably when we fall into old patterns.

In one way or the other we’ve had influences in our lives,for better and worse,that make us who were are to a certain extent. It’s too easy to say that what happens to other people is their fault and what happens to us is due to circumstances. We all do that. It takes some self reflection to realize we can accept ourselves and others as is and hope for little improvements along the way.

I have to say my son did very well for himself and made good decisions in spite of me,not because of me. He may or may not think so but i always knew he was a special person. He made a good husband and a great father. I recall when he was very young his reading and vocabulary skills were  way ahead of his grade level.

I know that because they tested him.I’m not sure he knew that. His math skills could have used some work but i believe he could have done that if he would have been determined. He had a job right off the bat even before he graduated.

He took pride in having a job. I would say given the given the economic landscape of the place we lived in that was pretty darned good. There are fewer jobs there now than he was growing up and that’s hard to imagine. Anyone who wanted to get ahead never stayed there.

The people i went to school with left. When he got out of school he did the same thing,left. i didn’t have the sense to even consider leaving. I wish now i had looked around when he was still young and left like everyone else did. The one & ONLY  good thing that came out of it was that i was there when mom and dad became dependent. It’s hard when you have obligations you have to meet and wish you could and can’t.

i had the luxury of being in the same location. The rest of the family did not. I know they were there  for them every time they had a vacation. Mom and dad really enjoyed the Christmas holidays with everyone home.

We enjoyed the Christmas holidays at mom and dad’s. There was something about  being at that home for that holiday that grounded you.  It was a very big deal for all of us. I couldn’t think of a better time than the Christmas holiday at the folks with the whole family.

I will say my son  was never afraid of hard work. He just happened to like socializing & sports a little more than academics at the time. He earned his own way though before he even graduated and once he graduated he made one of the best decisions of his life. He married the right person and he’s done well with his own kids. Yeah,I’m very proud of him. I think it’s time for him to pat himself on the back and say job well done.

All of us go through a time we do an assessment and short change ourselves. We can think we’re not good enough. The worst thing we do is compare ourselves to others or have that thought left over from the past that there is someone we have to prove ourselves to.

Honestly, we all have a little bit or a lot of that in ourselves. The best thing we can do is enjoy the people in our lives and do whatever we get the most satisfaction from. That’s it. If you have a lasting marriage and your kids turn out half ways decent you can’t ask for more.

I have to say after 20 some years of  my own marriage i’ve gotten tired of trying to make it work. At this point i think i’m better off looking out for myself.  The marriage is not going very well.

I don’t expect we are going to be like we were when we were first married. I do expect that he would show as much loyalty to our relationship as i have over the years. He’s worn it out. I don’t have the willingness to put another ounce of effort into it.

Sorry,but at the age of 67 it’s a little late in the game for things to change for the better. If he doesn’t get it by now,he never will. He always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Nope,pal,oh husband of 20 some years,not true.

Excuse me while i take in how good it was to hear from the person i got the call from the other night. Of all the moments in my life that’s the 2nd one I will cherish the most. The first was his birth.There are still some good parts of life to cherish. Family is everything.

 

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Catholic.conservative. Pro life.Period.