There isn’t one day in my life that i DON’T think about my son(a lot). There isn’t a day in my life that goes by that a thought about mom or dad doesn’t cross my mind.I have dreams about them too.
Sometimes i cry-sometimes i just draw a blank.Other times i get angry but that’s not right either. Much of the mess was my own fault.
Human nature is such that when there’s an argument we blame ourselves then try to find a reason to blame the other side too.
Yes,i regret not being present at mom’s funeral. I try to picture what i must have put everyone through by not being there.
I’m sorry we’re not speaking but i can understand it.
I remember being questioned as to why we (husband and I)moved by mom and dad.
For one,we had to leave the house we were living in. Landlord showed us the door and tried to sell the house. He didn’t.Wonder why(eye roll).i thank God we were evicted. Best thing that could have happened to us. There were only 2 apartments available and one was across the street from the folks. The landlord, at the first apartment, was very late-and when we left he still hadn’t showed up.So we went to look at the 2nd one by mom and dad’s.Mom liked it.We liked it. They were both 2nd floor apartments so that wasn’t much of a choice. We all agreed it’d be more convenient if we lived across the street anyway.
It was a God send in the end.
Both mom and dad became seriously ill.We had no idea at the time how seriously ill both of them would become. I feel we took a lot for granted.
Husband and I agreed that if anything happened to mom-after dad passed-that we would move out.We stuck it out only for her. The steps were impossible. The heat was unbearable up there in the summer. The ambulance couldn’t even get a gurney up there for husband. It was a fire trap as well-there was only one exit out.
We did not consider any of that when we moved in. It wasn’t that important at the time.
There were no ulterior motives.
The choice was really that simple.
Unfortunately I’m not sure I know my son anymore. He’s 40. By that age people change;sometimes a lot.He’s a good husband and father;his kids turned out well.
Can’t ask for more than that.Proud of him. I worry about the grand-daughter though. She’s absolutely terrific from what i’ve managed to gather.I just don’t like some of the things i see going on in the world.Things she could be influenced by. She looks like she’s her own person and mom and dad did a great job-still, I know how strong a pull the world can have, even on decent people.I’m not naive either. There are people out there who don’t have the best of intentions and she strikes me as being a very trusting person. It’s not that i don’t have concerns for son.Of course i do.
For that matter, i’m very sorry how it all turned out for my son. In fact,i often think what a good choice it would have been to move here when he was young, rather than live where we did. Nothing to do with my parents. They were good people. We’d have been close enough to see them but this town is a much nicer place. I can’t believe i would be saying that;someone who lived her whole life stuck in the hometown.I never realized there could have been a life outside of it. He could have enrolled in the Catholic school up here.
We’d have had a nice home and much quieter life.Maybe,just maybe,things would have worked out differently. Speculation doesn’t help.It’s not going to change a thing.It’s just a thought that’s crossed my mind lately.Should i have been a better mother? No doubt! Should i have been a better person,period? *Sigh* Definitely. I do think now, starting over here, MIGHT have made a difference.Other things would have mattered of course.Things like, not being an a…hole, would have made a difference.
It’s also possible I’m entirely wrong for even considering it.The truth is, i trapped myself and him along with me.
Mother had a way…